My Future Xmases

This time last year, I had only considered myself an atheist for about two months thus far, and as such, by the time Christmas rolled around, not being religious was new enough to me that I ended up going to Christmas Eve service with my family, mostly out of tradition. Unfortunately, the whole experience was rather uncomfortable (especially the whole communion bit) and was therefore the kind of thing I decided I would like to avoid at all costs from then on.

So, this Christmas (Xmas, more appropriately), I will not be going to Christmas Eve service with my family, as much of a letdown as I know it will be for them (especially for my mom). I wish I didn't have to upset them like this, but it would be awfully hypocritical and generally inappropriate (not to mention personally unpleasant) of me to go to church on Christmas knowing full well I'm mature enough to be held accountable for my beliefs, religious or otherwise. This year will therefore mark the first time in my 27 years of life thus far that I have not gone to a Christmas Eve service.

In addition to these effects, my atheism is also making it harder for me to buy into the Christmas spirit, especially where religion comes into play. For example, I bought a big book of Christmas songs for piano the other day, but although I love Christmas music, I have a hard time playing the religious tunes (as opposed to the secular ones). This said, I suppose the whole getting-exciting-about-Christmas thing has been on a steady decline for me over the past ten years or so, so I guess my current state isn't too lamentable.

Taking all of this into consideration, I'm not really sure how I expect this Christmas to turn out. I kind of wish my family could all just give each other presents, come together for a nice meal, spend some quality time together, and call it a day. I hate that I'm losing working opportunities over a holiday I barely condone, I hate that I'm going to have to broach the subject of not going to church with my mom, I hate that we do the same thing every year with diminishing returns, and I hate that the year just can't be done until we've gone through this rather sad (but still quite ingrained in me) excessively materialistic death throe of Winter consumerism.